...someone please stop me. over the past four days of my stay here in manila, i've managed to charge over hk$1,500 to my credit card. i just realized that i'm uncontrollable when it comes to shopping. i love shopping, period.
stuff that i bought - so far:
1. a pair of levi's jeans
2. three bottles of body shop "slick" hair cream
3. one bottle of body shop "define and no frizz" hair cream
4. eight music cds
5. one haircut at kerastase salon (yes, i finally located my old stylist from david's)
6. toiletries and facial wash from watson's
7. three shirts from oxygen (i only wanted to get one, but thanks to joya, i ended up with three)
...and i'm just halfway through my stay here in manila. i dread the next few days. maybe i should just stay home to prevent me from spending any further...
shopping spree
sin
cardinal sin has passed away. his death marks an end of an era in religion and politics.
while he is a noble man who championed human rights and freedom, i don't exactly have the same amount of respect for this man as i would have for pope john paul ii.
as i look at the current state of the philippines, i can't help but hold him partly responsible for all the brouhaha and chaos that are bringing the nation further down. this man is a media-savvy political animal that has turned the catholic church into a political party that seems to be hallucinating rather than thinking.
so as a result:
political controversies blown out of proportion by claims that the circumstances behind them are "against the teaching of the lord".
leaders who lack political will because going against what the catholic church wants spells doom to one's political career.
priests meddling into political controversies, imposing their personal opinion on to the people and subtly hinting some spiritual consequence if the "flock" doesn't agree with them.
selfish politicians capitalizing on controversies and gaining more political power because they have the backing of the catholic church.
i can enumerate a lot more, but the one big thing that really irks me about the church's transformation into a political party is that they meddle in legislation that would otherwise benefit the country in the long term.
two things immediately come to mind: population control and constitutional development.
anyways, before i rant any further, let me again say, cardinal sin as a man is a remarkable being. he has a good heart and good intentions. but in my opinion, his goodness and advocacy was a little bit over the top that it did more bad than good for the country.
pride
the only thing left outstanding is my boss' signature on my leave form and i'm all set. i'll be flying home on friday night for a weeklong break from the chaos that is work.
as with last year, part of my agenda is to enjoy people-watching at the pride party in malate on saturday. joya has been bugging me for the longest time to try and fly home for pride because she enjoys going there with me and our other common friend.
while my very first pride party in 2002 turned out to be a depressing experience. yes, i was so depressed na sinabayan ko pa si kris aquino sa pag-iyak nung umamin sya sa affair nila ni joey marquez (remember that sunday joya?). at ang clincher, nangyayari ang lahat ng ito't humahagulgol ako while editing the china white paper! (ang pathetic!)
my experience at pride last year was much better - although the party itself was a bore (malamang dahil sponsored ng studio 23 so dapat wholesome). got to see jaya perform - even if it's just one number. chix and delle were there to host the one-hour show. and i wasn't out "on a hunt". walang pressure so i was able to just experience pride, period.
it may seem weird, but watching hundreds of gays converge in one place mostly para maka-quota is so aliw! plus ang sarap mang-okray.
and that's my exact plan this year - to just be there to have a couple of drinks and to experience pride manila again no matter how boring or subdued again it may be.
i actually want to post some photos on my return but i seriously doubt if this'll happen since i don't own a digicam in the first place. it's so sayang!
anyways, see you guys next week!
bold steps
i don't want to be
anything other than what i've been trying to be lately
all i have to do
is think of me and i have peace of mind
i'm tired of looking 'round rooms
wondering what i've got to do
or who i'm supposed to be
i don't want to be anything other than me
if there's one song that could describe my current frame of mind, it would definitely be gavin de graw's "i don't want to be". i think i've reached that point in my life where i'm tired of working my life around what other people think of me.
all i want is to do things because i want to and it makes me feel content, and not because it's what society dictates as prim and proper or something like that. i want to be someone na "what you see is what you get". i want to speak my mind, no matter how blunt things may come off. i want to stop being so calculating and be more spontaneous. i want to be care-free.
pagod na akong kakaisip. pagod na akong kakatantsa. pagod na akong maging praning!
being less calculating and taking risks enable you to move forward. you've gotta take big bold steps to get somewhere - and so i did.
about an hour after writing my earlier post, i took a bold step of jumping into the email conversation and said, "E, set me up na rin kaya" - pushing a "deep, dark secret" out into the open to people i hardly knew on a personal level.
at that moment, i just threw out all my cares. i really didn't care. kebs with what they will think. i overcame my fears and took the plunge.
with no questions asked, E invited me to join them for dinner and drinks saturday night (last night). and to cut the long story short, i had a blast last night. i was able to let loose and overcome my insecurity with meeting new people.
there were 8 of us who met up. but there were only 4 of us left when we capped the night (more like morning). i was able to meet the friend of E, and he seems to be a nice guy. one thing i'm proud of myself this time is that when i confirmed to E that i'll be joining them for drinks and to meet her friend, i successfully managed to have no expectations whatsoever. it made the whole experience much more enjoyable and not frustrating.
i simply want to enjoy the "moment". i don't want to expect anything or think of where this initial meeting will lead - kung may kahahantungan man sya.
and in this whole process, i had a couple of realizations. i realized that in order to live life to the full, you've got to take bold steps to move forward and exprience more of what life has to offer. i know that i've always had a desire to make gimmick and have a freakin' fun time. but i've been holding myself back and deprived myself of this by striving to be so goody-two-shoes or by simply staying on the safe side.
and most importantly, i've realized that it really feels good (and liberating) to just throw all your cares away and stay true to who you really are, dahil sa mundong ito, marami ang mga taong rumerespeto, bukas ang isipan at hindi nagkukubli sa mapagpanggap at mapaglinlang na mundo ng relihyon at tradisyon.
as what i've expressed in a previous post, to all of you who've always let me be me, sa lahat ng mga rumerespeto sa aking pakatao and who embraced me for who i am, salamat po.
------------------------------------
...you may be wondering why it's past 1am and i'm online. i can't sleep just yet. why? there's this moth that flew into my flat earlier. i didn't see it for a few hours after that so i thought it was already gone. apparently, it was stuck to my ceiling. i must admit, anything that flies or crawls freak me out. so hinabol ko sya ng insect spray until it barely flew. then i smashed it with a newspaper. so now, my flat wreaks the smell of insecticide. i've got to air it out muna...
slow
napipikon ako sa sarili ko. had lunch today with three other colleagues. one's a teammate, si Z. while the other two were from a different department, let's call them E and H.
lunch became a pseudo-confessions session. it started out casually H talking about her holiday plans after resigning. then we were caught off-guard when in one anecdote she told us she's bi. we thought she was just kidding. si H ata ay taong mahirap seryosohin because earlier she told the waitress that she's part-thai - and we thought she was just joking. apparently, it's true.
the conversation then moved into talking about H's pinoy gay friend. then E asked H if she wants to set him up with her pinoy gay friend who's recently been single. H said she'll check if her friend wants to be setup.
at first, deadma ako. nung nagsink-in yung usapan, parang a part of me wanted to raise my hand and say, "ako, i-fix nyo ako!". but i held back. see, i'm not exactly cozy-close with Z, E and H kaya parang feeling ko ang awkward. and now, i'm regretting it.
ang open na ng atmosphere. hayan na't may nagbubukas na ng opportunity to meet someone, pero wala, sinara ko pa ang pinto. and now, based on emails about plans to meet up in the future, they're really seriously planning to fix the two guys. gusto kong i-untog ulo ko. tangina ang bagal mo mark!
this brings to mind cessy's advice months ago (when i was so depressed about lacking a love life). "wag mong kareerin ang paghahanap ng papa," she said. actually, this is the primary reason why i have to "search consciously". if i don't do it consciously, then i don't simply fall under the radar, i totally disappear from the radar. slow 'tong lola nyo - big time - and it's frustrating!
p.s. to those who want to play "miss match" (or "mr. match"), i'm very much willing *hint*
rascal flatts
...before anything else, shouts out to y_slaybelle. i soooooooooooo envy your queer eye day! i would have loved to see thom and kyan (and sige na nga, daphne's outfit that could launch a thousand pillowcases!)...
anyways, blame it on american idol, but i just found myself so much into rascal flatts. i've been listening to their latest album "feels like today" over and over and over again. "feels like today" is an album i would highly recommend to anyone who are into country music (or can at the very least appreciate country).
check out the following tracks: 1-where you are, 2-bless the broken road, 5-fast cars and freedom, 10-holes, 12-skin
"skin" is a sad but well-written song about hope, strength and love. it talks about a teenage girl who found out she had lukemia (if i understood it correctly). she's scared but the doctor assured her it was going to be ok. she just had to undergo treatment.
and she was scared again - that no one would bring a bald girl to the prom. and what happened next brings tears to my eyes. i'd rather post the exact lyrics than dilute the beauty of it:
It's quarter to seven, that boy's at the door
And her daddy ushers him in
And when he takes off his cap
They all start to cry
Cause this morning where his hair had all been
Softly she touches just skin
And they go dancing, around and around
Without any cares
And her very first true love is holding her close
And for a moment she isn't scared
and just indulge this hopeless romantic guy here. let me share the entire lyrics of "bless the broken road". and i do hope that someday somehow... you know what i mean!...
I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true
Now I’m just rollin’ home into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you
hip-hop
i had a blast tonight. it was my second attempt to attend a hip-hop class at the gym, and i'm glad it turned out great.
my first attempt was way back two years ago, and it sucked. the instructor was more concerned about you getting each and every step right rather than making people enjoy. as if we are professional dancers!
but this time around, the instructor told us upfront, "i don't mind if you suck or if you couldn't get the steps right, all i want is for everyone to have fun". and that spelled the difference!
the tune was "my style" from black eyed peas' new album. the steps were complicated at times; no one could get the fourth set of steps right cause the beat was damn too fast. but nobody cared, we were laughing and having fun the entire hour.
oh well, looks like i found myself a new dig every tuesday night...
salamat
na sa ngayo'y wala pang katiyakang
hatid nito'y panibagong pintong magbubukas
dala sa aki'y magagandang oportunidad
new and big opportunities are on deck. things have been looking up for me these past few years. and just tonight, i received a letter from my landlord saying they prefer sign me up for another 2 years - without any rent increase - even though rents in my area are up by 10-15%.
but now, i'm scared. ano kayang "kapalit" ang naghihintay sa aking kapalaran? ayokong isipin pero the law of gravity says, "what goes up must come down". it's scaring the shits out of me - seriously.
but at the height of my paranoia, something dawned on me. i'm so blessed and i have to be thankful. god has blessed me so much and i have to be thankful to him.
funny how He has continued to bless me, in spite of what i've been and what i've become. maybe heto nga yung "unconditional love" that they've been talking about. mapa-sino ka man, mapa-ano ka man, anuman ang iyong nagawa sa buhay, He does love us unconditionally.
hindi ako madasaling tao. heck, i'm not religious, period (contrary to what some may have thought). i have very personal reasons for this, but tonight, i'm putting them aside, because i know i owe a lot to Him and the "world" in general.
hayaan nyo akong magpaabot ng isang mataimtim na pasasalamat sa nasa Itaas.
thank you...
...for all the blessings you've continued to shower upon me
...for all the doors of opportunity that continue to open for me
...for all the challenges that have made me smarter and wiser (hopefully)
...for all the frustrations that have made me stronger and tougher
...for all the experiences that have made this life richer
...for the smiles, tears and fears that break the monotony of life
...for the optimism that ensures i get to always "hang on"
...for the pragmatism that keeps me always grounded
...for the safe and peaceful environment that i now live in
...for the music, the talk and the shows that add color to my living
...(i just have to have this in filipino) para sa sining ng pamilmilosopiya na nagbibigay ng kahulugan sa bawat karanasan ng buhay
...for the opportunity to share my life with, and maybe inspire, people around me
...for the opportunity to help others and give back whatever i've received
...for being able to live a meaningful and fruitful life
...for a wonderful set of parents that love me more than i can understand
...for people who have allowed me to enter their lives as a friend or acquaintance
...for people who trust me with their problems and secrets, and look up to me for advice (i am not worthy!!!)
...for people who have believed in me and continue to believe in me, even though i don't believe in myself 98% of the time (let's leave the 2% for pride)
...for the people who just lets me be me, whoever and whatever i may be
...for the people that remain civil to me no matter how much they hate me
...for the people who have "rejected" me or doubted me in one way or another that have subsequently have made me tougher (and bitchier)
...for the people who intimidate me that have forced me to learn to deal with my insecurities
...for the people who bear with my complexity, bitchiness, craziness and "attitude"
...for friends that continue to love you and make you feel loved no matter how many thousand miles away you may be.
isang gabi'y lubhang di sapat
upang lahat ng ito ay maisulat
itong pagbati'y taos-puso't at di lamang pabalat
sa Kanya sa itaas at sa inyong lahat
maraming maraming maraming salamat
(shet ang drama ko!)
breakfast
everyday, on my way to work, i pick-up breakfast from maxim's cake shop. it's one of the more popular bakeshops here in hk ala goldilocks or red ribbon.
on monday, a new bread/roll (whatever!) immediately caught my fancy. you see, i usually take two pieces everyday, and when you do that for five days a week, you simply don't have a lot of choices. so a new "flavor" definitely gets me all curious.
"blueberry and cream cheese" one sign read. hmmm, sounds good. i got it. and i later found out that it was, um, a blueberry cheesecake stuffed inside a bread.
"italian beef" another sign read. hmmm, maybe it's ground beef in tomato sauce ala calzone. but no, as you can see it was a double dose of carbo...
...yes, that's right. it's fusili in tomato meat sauce stuffed inside a bread! i'm very much willing to share. anyone interested?!