revitalization

the past 5 months or so have been bad.

had my share of personal setbacks. work has been terrible, stressful and challenging. to some extent, i've lost confidence. i've been bleeding financially due to a miscalculated investment. then i got sick. and got sick again - and again.

the gloomy, freezing winter weather this year didn't help, nor the current dreary spring weather.

i've been quite bitchy, irritable, impatient. i haven't been smiling much, feeling grumpy and depressed a lot of times (especially when i'm on my own). i've been running low on energy.

i've been pulling away, preferring to hide, hibernate and be alone rather than have fun. i've lost passion in things that i do. and i've been disoriented, disorganized and just all over the place.

what's happening? i used to have this "spark" ... or at least i believe i had it - i felt it. but where is it now?

would (another) holiday help? a break from work? meditation? exercise? dancing? a change of environment? i don't know. what i know is that i am in bad need of revitalization.

silence

so this is how it feels to be mute and silent.

over the chinese new year weekend, i had allergy rhinitis which turned bad. and i came down with a flu. by tuesday, post nasal drip have set in and soon i was suffering from a sore throat and dry cough.

with the sore throat, my voice became hoarser and hoarser by the day as well. and today, i lost my voice - almost.

well, all the talking i've done over the past two days have taken its toll, and my sore throat has turned from bad to worse. recognizing this, i decided to give my throat a rest via a self-imposed day-long silence.

who would have thought that staying silent for a day required a lot of effort. my golly gosh, it was soooooooo freakin difficult!

i must admit, i love to talk. and even with a self-imposed silence, i find myself trying to talk by whispering.

my colleagues and friends we're quite not used to me being silent. some commented that they're not used to not hearing my voice. although most really enjoyed teasing me the entire day.

and now it's the weekend. for 2 days, i'll practically be on my own: no colleagues to talk to, no meetings to participate in, no orientations to give, no phone calls to respond to.

i really hope my throat gets better 'cause i couldn't stand to be silent - i really couldn't keep my mouth shut!

what if

life does have a lot of what if's. let's face it - we all have them. some will remain unanswered forever. while we do find answer for others.

i had a "what-if moment" recently. don't know what triggered it. it just hit me out of nowhere. curiosity? frustration? optimism?

and since it already hit me, why not push it further - and blog it?! so here are my what-if's:

what if i had more confidence ...
... how much of a social butterfly/party animal will i be?
... how easy will it be for me to make friends and warm up to people?
... will i remain distant, quiet (relatively) and quite guarded even among friends?
... will i "play around"?

what if i were a lean fit hunk ...
... how active will my sex life be?
... what would it be like to do sexy, hunky "trophy" partners?
... would i experience as much "rejection" as i have had in the past?
... will i gain more confidence? will i be very snobbish and conceited?
... will i get offers to be a model or a tv personality?

what if i had siblings ...
... what kind of brother will i be?
... will i be able to deal with other people and handle relationships better?
... will i value responsibility, or will i be care-free?
... will i be the favorite? will i be the black sheep? will i be trouble-maker?

what if we didn't have financial difficulties when i was younger ...
... will i still be prudent and practical financially?
... will i take more risks when it comes to handling my savings?
... how much MORE of a shopper and spender will i be?
.... would i have pursued my dream of being a tv personality - glamorous but not financially rewarding and/or stable unless you become a star?
... would i have had a barkada with an active gimmick life? or will i have remained a sheltered goody-two-shoes that just shuttles between school and home up until 3rd year college, avoiding gimmicks because of expenses, lack of transpo and an overprotective mom

what if i were straight ...
... i don't know, i don't wanna know, i'm happy - and gay!